Claws on the Catwalk

The Real Housewives of New Jersey never disappoints. Family was the center of the chaos again this week, but when it involves the Gorga’s and the Giudice’s, the drama is sure to be juicy!

Guilty Gorga’s

Kathy invites Melissa and Joe Gorga for lunch at her place to talk about the christening; as if that event needs to be re-lived. My biggest question is, why were Melissa and Joe dressed like bank robbers? They look guilty. If they want us to believe that they are in the right, they shouldn’t have raided a convict’s closet.

The Kim’s

It hasn’t even been a full two weeks into the season and Kim G and Kim D have already received face time. Kim G, the anti-fan of Teresa, immediately makes nice with Melissa. I think Melissa took to Kim G after she said that Teresa has a “fat crooked ass” and wishes she looked like her. HA, don’t think so.

Melissa likes these ladies so much she goes so far as to extend an invitation to a Halloween party. It’s obvious their friendship is built solely on the fact that Kim G is the only non-relative that gives Melissa the time of day.

In other news, it is important to note that Joe Gorga dressed as a Snooki wannabe. Very telling of his drama-queen type personality.

Claws on the Catwalk

The day of the Poche Fashion Show arrives and is ironically at the same place the hair-pulling episode went down last season – The Brownstone. I love the Manzo’s, but their place of business isn’t exactly known for rainbows and butterflies.

The walks on the runway were painful to watch. Melissa loved shaking her hips and puckering her lips like she just swallowed a pack of Warheads. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she walked down the runway twice. Gross.

Kim G strikes again in proving her immaturity and desperate desire to be “in” with any of the housewives. She suggests booing Teresa and then stuck out her tongue like a 12-year-old boy.

After the worthless efforts down the catwalk, Kathy pulls Teresa aside to talk about the chaos from the christening. I don’t know where these women learned about confrontation, but their timing could not be more terrible. Come on Kathy, you and Teresa are blood, you had to have known this caddy attempt at a conversation wouldn’t go well.

Aside from accusing Teresa of not caring for her girls, Kathy says that Teresa’s behavior was not appropriate at the christening. She says everyone has problems, but they solve them in private. HELLO KATHY, you’re in a public place right now! Wrong place, wrong time. Must run in the family.

Luckily, Caroline steps in with the wise words of advice that they are family, and they can kill each other in their homes, but not there at the fashion show. Of course, Melissa tries to act like she’s in agreement with Caroline to keep up her innocent image. I sure hope TCJ (Teresa, Caroline, and Jaqueline) stick together this season!

Stay tuned for next week when one letter sends the Gorga’s for a tail spin!!

The Technicality Heard ‘Round the World

The Technicality Heard ‘Round the World. No, I’m not talking about those of the NBA Playoffs. This “technicality” runs deeper than teammates – Family. The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 3 premiere was entertaining, and did not need ex-housewife Danielle Staub to keep the drama motor running.

Newbies

Two new housewives, Kathy Wakile (Teresa Giudice’s cousin) and Melissa Gorga (Teresa’s sister-in-law) add new drama to the mix. Teresa’s estranged relationship with her brother, Joe Gorga, is revealed in the opening scene. Apparently Teresa’s husband, Joey Giudice, butchered Joe and his father’s relationship. One thing is for sure, this family is the polar opposite of Caroline’s  family that is “as thick as thieves” and “protects each other until the end.” This family could no sooner be at each other’s throats, literally.

“Praise Jesus!”

Melissa Gorga has coined her phrase of the season: “Praise Jesus!” and how fitting that phrase is for the season premiere which highly centers around the christening of her new baby boy.

The Gorga christening was more of an affair, no expense was spared, but let’s begin at the church. It was clear Melissa had other things on her mind, like getting out of the church to get to the after-party, err reception. Her outfit was not fitted for a church. Unless, of course, this church plays rave music and has a stripper pole behind the organ. Not to mention, her ensemble resembled that of a discounted prom dress from Sears. No wonder Teresa and Melissa are at odds, Melissa is damaging Teresa’s glam-girl reputation.

The “Praise Jesus!” mantra was used an abundance of times, most of which were odd. Example: “I was taught to be a wife in the kitchen, a lady public, and a whore in the bedroom. Praise Jesus!” It seems these women have a different idea of a wife’s role (i.e. Teresa “bringing home the bacon” from her book tour).

Chaos at the Christening

Let us not forget the reason for the season, or event rather. To bring family and friends together to celebrate the Gorga baby’s entrance into God’s house, and to tear each other apart at Hell’s gates.

It all began when Teresa offered her congratulations to Joe and Melissa. An obviously bitter Joe goes balls-t0-the-wall ballistic on his sister shouting, “Get the f*** out of here,” and “You’re garbage!” And Melissa’s sister chiming in to say Teresa was invited on a “technicality,” really lit the fire.

Of course, hubby Joey Giudice steps in to his wife’s defense and attacks Joe. This fight is much like that of those in high school. Two people start to duke it out, and rather than trying to stop the chaos, everyone around picks a side and jumps right in to create an all out miniature war.

This is obviously the most sophisticated christening New Jersey has ever seen. While the adults were busy being children, the children were busy being, well, ignored. After the brawl quieted down, Melissa went looking for her children, while Teresa ran around trying to gather her troops. Fantastic.

Invisible Children

Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley, reprises in season 3 as what seems to be a reformed person. Seems to be.

No, I am not referring to Ashley as the invisible child because she is ignored, she is the invisible child because unless she is crying or complaining no one notices her because she is so boring.

Ashley finally acts like she is trying to make something of her life and gets an interning job at a public relations firm for publicist Lizzie Grubman. (side note: if anyone knows how a cosmetology school drop-out landed an interning position in NYC, you should write a how-to book, because a college degree can’t even land that gig)

When Jacqueline decides to visit her daughter at work, Ashley goes into her usual ‘I blame my mom’ pity party and turns on the water works. At work. In front of her boss. The girl isn’t even getting paid and she is already crying. One would think this is a red flag to Ms. Grubman, but rather she consoles Ashley and reminds her that she can do it. If Ms. Grubman knew anything about The Real Housewives, which I’m assuming she does considering she agreed to have her face on the show, she’d know that Ashley is as useful as a dried out marker.

Ashley: I realize you hardly passed your classes, but it’s simple math. If you don’t want to be treated like a child, don’t act like one. Actually, that’s not even math, it’s common sense. Another thing Ashley is clearly lacking.

Moral of the Story

If the christening is the event that sets the tone for the entire season, the New Jersey Housewives have a whole new drama game to play. With Joe Gorga’s relentless need to yell at his parents in Italian, Melissa’s “Praise Jesus!” attitude, and the Manzo/Giudice/Laurita bond, this is sure to be a season filled with crazies and crazy moments.