Manhattan to Morocco

Let the three episode tail spin of a trip begin! Tonight was the first of three episodes of  The Real Housewives of New York City in Morocco, and it kicked off with the great divide. LuAnn, Jill, Kelly, and Cindy – the brunettes – arrived first, while Ramona, Sonja, and Alex – the blondes – arrived a day later.

I actually feel bad for Alex. She was wedged between two narcissistic loud-mouths.

Ramona’s Requests

When the brunettes land in the fabulous city, they’re like kids in a candy store, or like Suri Cruise in Bergdorf Goodman. They took advantage of tea, tanning, and tennis, while Ramona made a list of ridiculous requests which she emailed to LuAnn. That’s right. Ramona emailed the Countess a list of demands for a trip that she was invited to as a guest. Pathetic. The list apparently included the staff’s help in unpacking her bags, hand weights, 600 thread count sheets, hangers, and of course, Pinot Grigio. As if her list wasn’t inappropriate enough, the first things she notices about the African country was the dirt and poverty.

When Ramona gets out of the car, she thinks spotting LuAnn at the entrance is like a game of Where’s Waldo. She says LuAnn looks like one of the staff members, that she looks so native she blended in. Sure Ramona. LuAnn is wearing a hot-pink maxi-dress in a sea of black and gray adorned staff members, but sure Ramona, if the Pinot tells you she’s camouflaged then she’s camouflaged.

Hang Up or Hang On, to the Drama That is…

What would a trip thousands of miles from home be without a little Nancy Drew detective work? When Cindy comes inside she is appalled by what has apparently happened to her personal space, specifically, her closet. The hangers were gone! Cue dramatic music. And who’s the first person the Completely Bare mogul turns to blame: Ramona.

Confused by Cindy’s behavior, Ramona decides Cindy needs to loosen up and “needs a hanger up her butt.” I don’t think that’s going to help. The phrase “stick up your ass” generally means someone is uptight, so something tells me a hanger isn’t exactly going to fix that problem.

Caftan Corrections

LuAnn has a surprise for the ladies, blondes included, and has Morocco’s most famous clothing designer make custom caftans for all the housewives. Let’s guess who had something to say about that – Ramona. “I need something sexy, I don’t like the caftan look.” I know Ke$ha brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack, but I think Ramona gargles with Pinot because her comments clearly aren’t the result of a person utilizing their noggin.

Unfortunate Misfortunes

The episode concludes with the readings of a Moroccan fortune teller. When it’s Ramona’s turn to find out what’s in the cards and Kelly’s turn to translate, Kelly exits the room after hearing what the teller had to say and claims she didn’t want to rehash the fortune. LuAnn, however, had no problem blurting out “There’s another woman!”

Luckily, however, no matter what happens abroad, Kelly managed to smuggle her Jelly Beans to a different kind of “scary island”!

Claws on the Catwalk

The Real Housewives of New Jersey never disappoints. Family was the center of the chaos again this week, but when it involves the Gorga’s and the Giudice’s, the drama is sure to be juicy!

Guilty Gorga’s

Kathy invites Melissa and Joe Gorga for lunch at her place to talk about the christening; as if that event needs to be re-lived. My biggest question is, why were Melissa and Joe dressed like bank robbers? They look guilty. If they want us to believe that they are in the right, they shouldn’t have raided a convict’s closet.

The Kim’s

It hasn’t even been a full two weeks into the season and Kim G and Kim D have already received face time. Kim G, the anti-fan of Teresa, immediately makes nice with Melissa. I think Melissa took to Kim G after she said that Teresa has a “fat crooked ass” and wishes she looked like her. HA, don’t think so.

Melissa likes these ladies so much she goes so far as to extend an invitation to a Halloween party. It’s obvious their friendship is built solely on the fact that Kim G is the only non-relative that gives Melissa the time of day.

In other news, it is important to note that Joe Gorga dressed as a Snooki wannabe. Very telling of his drama-queen type personality.

Claws on the Catwalk

The day of the Poche Fashion Show arrives and is ironically at the same place the hair-pulling episode went down last season – The Brownstone. I love the Manzo’s, but their place of business isn’t exactly known for rainbows and butterflies.

The walks on the runway were painful to watch. Melissa loved shaking her hips and puckering her lips like she just swallowed a pack of Warheads. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she walked down the runway twice. Gross.

Kim G strikes again in proving her immaturity and desperate desire to be “in” with any of the housewives. She suggests booing Teresa and then stuck out her tongue like a 12-year-old boy.

After the worthless efforts down the catwalk, Kathy pulls Teresa aside to talk about the chaos from the christening. I don’t know where these women learned about confrontation, but their timing could not be more terrible. Come on Kathy, you and Teresa are blood, you had to have known this caddy attempt at a conversation wouldn’t go well.

Aside from accusing Teresa of not caring for her girls, Kathy says that Teresa’s behavior was not appropriate at the christening. She says everyone has problems, but they solve them in private. HELLO KATHY, you’re in a public place right now! Wrong place, wrong time. Must run in the family.

Luckily, Caroline steps in with the wise words of advice that they are family, and they can kill each other in their homes, but not there at the fashion show. Of course, Melissa tries to act like she’s in agreement with Caroline to keep up her innocent image. I sure hope TCJ (Teresa, Caroline, and Jaqueline) stick together this season!

Stay tuned for next week when one letter sends the Gorga’s for a tail spin!!

One for the Money, Two for the Show

It was an episode full of relationship drama and fashion for The Real Housewives of Orange County. From Vegas to “French” cuisine, these ladies were all over the place in terms of location and brain waves.

Relationships on the Rocks. Again.


Gretchen questions Slade’s financial situation. Again. When she confronts Slade about his meetings with his clients, he reveals that they will not be continuing contracts with him. One would think Slade, and the supposed concerned Gretchen, would find this upsetting, or at least disheartening, but Slade rather sums the situation up with one word – “Bummer.”

Gretchen later poses the burning question, “Is love enough?” and resolves with: “I’m madly in love, but I’m not in love and stupid.” Smart comment for such thoughtless girl.



Vicki is sad in her marriage. Again. She claims she and Donn are at a crossroads. Their cars must have stalled because they have been at this “crossroads” since last season.

We find out Vicki hasn’t had sex in two years. After all the alcohol that gets passed around at the parties, you would think at least one drunken sexcapade would have gone down…guess they just have to do that on themselves.

Fashion and French Food…According to Alexis Bellino

Alexis plans a luncheon for her “closest girlfriends” to debut her clothing line, Alexis Couture. Where better place to hold this event than a French restaurant, especially if you love French food…which I guess if croissant sandwiches comprise the essence of French food then we are French foodie connoisseurs. Basically, Alexis wanted a French theme, but not too French. Only in the mind of Alexis.

The names of her designs were like sentences taken from a kindergarten book: “Walk in the Park” “Shop Till You Drop.” Tamra so graciously pointed out that she would be more worried about her “cooch falling out.”

As her fashion wasn’t enough of a topic of conversation, the absence of Vicki caused quite a stir. Tamra receives a shocking text from Vicki saying that she is in the hospital. Meanwhile, Alexis is commenting on how rude it is that she didn’t show up.

When the news travels to the host’s table, Gretchen and Alexis think Vicki might be faking it. Umm ladies, Vicki hasn’t had sex in two years, she doesn’t know what it means to fake anything. Also, I don’t think it’s ironic that Vicki, as Tamra so eloquently put it, started “bleeding out of her ass” the day of Alexis’ lousy luncheon, if anything it’s an unfortunate occurrence that just so happened to occur on the same day as an unfortunate event.

Calm(ish) Before the Storm

In this week’s Real Housewives of New York City, Ramona got her _ _ _, well you know, handed to her.

At the opening, LuAnn springs the idea of going to Morocco with the girls. Now I’m not sure who exactly constitutes as “the girls” because it changes weekly, but apparently this time it means the whole gang – LuAnn, Alex, Cindy, Sonja, Kelly, Ramona, and Jill. That was not a typo…Kelly, Ramona, and Jill were all invited, together.

Talk at the Tea Room

LuAnn asks Ramona to lunch basically to test and interrogate her before extending a formal invitation for the trip. Unless Bravo failed to show this, this may be the first time all season we see something other than Pinot in Ramona’s glass. I guess that’s why LuAnn brought her to a tea room rather than a wine bar.

Light My Fire…err Toaster Oven

Sonja’s toaster oven photo shoot was off by a few markers. Not just because she forgot to wear underwear, again, but because the photo shoot was for her toaster oven cookbook, which apparently has yet to be written. It’s an idea, like flying cars. Miss Morgan did, however, remember the monogrammed toast…phew!

Private Resorts and Private Parts

Cindy throws together a girls’ trip, only this time “the girls” only includes LuAnn, Jill, and Kelly.

While in the car on the way to Canyon Ranch, we learn a deep secret about Kelly. No, I’m not talking about her apparently being abused in past relationships. I’m talking about her inability to say the word ‘vagina’. She is trying to tell “the girls” that she saw Sonja’s hot-pocket during her toaster oven photo shoot, but she can’t manage to mutter that one simple word. Vagina. She has one, her daughters each have one, so what’s the big deal? She was in Playboy; I find it hard to believe she has never seen anyone else’s centerfold. When she goes to her gyno, how does she refer to her, you know, vagina?

When the ladies arrive at their destination, Cindy surprises them gifts. Obviously all of which are spa inspired. In pure kid-at-heart excitement, Jill opens the goody-bag in the lobby and takes the contents out of the bag with oohs and aahs. LuAnn immediately starts correcting Jill, “Oh, darling never open a gift in a hotel lobby!” I guess the Countess is checking in Canyon Ranch too.

Later, the ladies have confession circle around none other than drums. I didn’t realize New York had such a vested interest in Native American heritage. This activity wasn’t a total loss, we did learn a lot.

“I’m not as tough as I seem” – Cindy
—Where’s the creativity?

“I like to wear large jewelry when I’m drumming” – LuAnn
—That’s better.

Ban the Bullies

Apparently an anti-bullying event can’t even stop these women from getting at each other. Namely, Ramona was all over the place with accusations and careless comments.

Mistake number one: Don’t accuse those with titles of stealing your signature look. Ramona could not fathom the thought that LuAnn was wearing David Meister. Apparently each housewife has a style, and Ramona’s is David Meister. Who knew?! Ramona even goes so far as to suggest that LuAnn is stealing her connections to the designer. I hate to pull this card, but I think a Countess has her own connections and doesn’t need the help of a Pinot pal.

Mistake number two: Drinking the item she was supposed to have as an auction item. Ramona apparently has a problem with giving, unless it’s giving her body Pinot Grigio.

Mistake number three: Word choice. Maybe it was a slip of the tongue, maybe it was the liquid in her veins, or maybe it’s just Ramona being Ramona, but the comments she made to Jill about her stepdaughter were a bit appalling. She said Jill’s stepdaughter was courageous for speaking about anit-bullying when she was clearly…what was the word, oh that’s right…”deformed.”

Luckily the ladies (all of them this time) are about to embark on a getaway for a little R&R. Or not. I think Jill said it best when she said she would rather stay home and pick her nose than experience a trip like scary island…

…this season it looks as though there’s going to be a whole new meaning of scary island.

Strap yourself to the couch and grab a glass of Pinot, because the next three weeks the NYC Housewives do Morocco!!

The Technicality Heard ‘Round the World

The Technicality Heard ‘Round the World. No, I’m not talking about those of the NBA Playoffs. This “technicality” runs deeper than teammates – Family. The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 3 premiere was entertaining, and did not need ex-housewife Danielle Staub to keep the drama motor running.


Two new housewives, Kathy Wakile (Teresa Giudice’s cousin) and Melissa Gorga (Teresa’s sister-in-law) add new drama to the mix. Teresa’s estranged relationship with her brother, Joe Gorga, is revealed in the opening scene. Apparently Teresa’s husband, Joey Giudice, butchered Joe and his father’s relationship. One thing is for sure, this family is the polar opposite of Caroline’s  family that is “as thick as thieves” and “protects each other until the end.” This family could no sooner be at each other’s throats, literally.

“Praise Jesus!”

Melissa Gorga has coined her phrase of the season: “Praise Jesus!” and how fitting that phrase is for the season premiere which highly centers around the christening of her new baby boy.

The Gorga christening was more of an affair, no expense was spared, but let’s begin at the church. It was clear Melissa had other things on her mind, like getting out of the church to get to the after-party, err reception. Her outfit was not fitted for a church. Unless, of course, this church plays rave music and has a stripper pole behind the organ. Not to mention, her ensemble resembled that of a discounted prom dress from Sears. No wonder Teresa and Melissa are at odds, Melissa is damaging Teresa’s glam-girl reputation.

The “Praise Jesus!” mantra was used an abundance of times, most of which were odd. Example: “I was taught to be a wife in the kitchen, a lady public, and a whore in the bedroom. Praise Jesus!” It seems these women have a different idea of a wife’s role (i.e. Teresa “bringing home the bacon” from her book tour).

Chaos at the Christening

Let us not forget the reason for the season, or event rather. To bring family and friends together to celebrate the Gorga baby’s entrance into God’s house, and to tear each other apart at Hell’s gates.

It all began when Teresa offered her congratulations to Joe and Melissa. An obviously bitter Joe goes balls-t0-the-wall ballistic on his sister shouting, “Get the f*** out of here,” and “You’re garbage!” And Melissa’s sister chiming in to say Teresa was invited on a “technicality,” really lit the fire.

Of course, hubby Joey Giudice steps in to his wife’s defense and attacks Joe. This fight is much like that of those in high school. Two people start to duke it out, and rather than trying to stop the chaos, everyone around picks a side and jumps right in to create an all out miniature war.

This is obviously the most sophisticated christening New Jersey has ever seen. While the adults were busy being children, the children were busy being, well, ignored. After the brawl quieted down, Melissa went looking for her children, while Teresa ran around trying to gather her troops. Fantastic.

Invisible Children

Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley, reprises in season 3 as what seems to be a reformed person. Seems to be.

No, I am not referring to Ashley as the invisible child because she is ignored, she is the invisible child because unless she is crying or complaining no one notices her because she is so boring.

Ashley finally acts like she is trying to make something of her life and gets an interning job at a public relations firm for publicist Lizzie Grubman. (side note: if anyone knows how a cosmetology school drop-out landed an interning position in NYC, you should write a how-to book, because a college degree can’t even land that gig)

When Jacqueline decides to visit her daughter at work, Ashley goes into her usual ‘I blame my mom’ pity party and turns on the water works. At work. In front of her boss. The girl isn’t even getting paid and she is already crying. One would think this is a red flag to Ms. Grubman, but rather she consoles Ashley and reminds her that she can do it. If Ms. Grubman knew anything about The Real Housewives, which I’m assuming she does considering she agreed to have her face on the show, she’d know that Ashley is as useful as a dried out marker.

Ashley: I realize you hardly passed your classes, but it’s simple math. If you don’t want to be treated like a child, don’t act like one. Actually, that’s not even math, it’s common sense. Another thing Ashley is clearly lacking.

Moral of the Story

If the christening is the event that sets the tone for the entire season, the New Jersey Housewives have a whole new drama game to play. With Joe Gorga’s relentless need to yell at his parents in Italian, Melissa’s “Praise Jesus!” attitude, and the Manzo/Giudice/Laurita bond, this is sure to be a season filled with crazies and crazy moments.

Blame it on the P-P-P-Pinot

Eyes of Emotion…Ramotion

Need I say more? Is Ramona channeling her inner Medusa? I realize Medusa’s eyes are said to turn you to stone, but Ramona’s crazy eyes may turn you into a glass of Pinot Grigio. 

I’d like to see the NYC Housewife and the Greek Goddess in a staring contest.

The Photo Shoot

Ramona’s popping-eye syndrome was all over the place this episode. During her photoshoot, her eyes practically bulged out of her skull. The photographer, Andrew Coppa, who apparently has also worked with Lady Gaga, called the photos “amazing”. After working with Lady G, I guess he is not used to seeing the subject’s face. Maybe he thought Ramona’s facial expressions were a mask borrowed from Gaga herself.

ramona singer

Pinot Grigio Launch

Ramona, in a Pinot state of mind, decided that her Pinot Grigio Launch Party was the appropriate time and place to confront Jill.

Apparently Jennifer, the bride from a previous episode, likes to stir trouble. She told Ramona that Jill bit her head off at the wedding about Alex and Simon being in attendance. When Ramona approached Jill, she was short of breath like she had just ran a marathon and said that her stomach was turning. I realize Ramona was attributing this to her nerves and dismay by what she had heard from Jennifer, but I really think these are the side-effects of her Pinot.

Jill proceeded to tell Ramona that what she had heard was a lie, but Ramona did not believe her and continued to act hysterical. As a result, Jill left, and rightly so.

The most notable comment of the night: The more Ramona drinks, the more friends she loses. Anyone remember the Start Trouble lyrics, “Alcohol my only friend…”

Full Moon

Sonja hosted a masquerade themed party for practically no reason at all. I am all for throwing a party for no reason, but that is no excuse to ignore the details.

Sonja had the champagne and alcohol pouring, appetizers, and music. She wore a fabulously slutty twenty-something Marie Antoinette costume complete with a wig (quite possibly from the times of the real Marie Antoinette…how old is Sonja again?) from a past fling/boyfriend/one-night-stand/husband. She had the costume bedazzled and blinged and made a fuss over having the perfect panties. You may be wondering what the party princess could have forgotten…

Oh that’s right. Panties. I think the Pinot was flowing through Sonja’s veins a bit too early, like when she was getting dressed.

The Real of Reality?

I hate to say it, but the Housewives were out-done by a House-Husband – Mr. Simon van Kampen. He performed his new song “I am Real” on Watch What Happens Live on Thursday night.

I see a “Real Housewives: Washouts and Wannabes Tour” in the future! Click on the link to hear Simon in all his musical glory!

Take a Picture, It’ll Last Longer

In episode 10, The Real Housewives of Orange County let it all out.

Clash of the Titans…or Peggy and Alexis

Peggy visited Alexis’ home to allow the God-Squad mother to “clear the air” about some things that happened at Peggy’s dinner party. Their conversation was pretty much a flop. Peggy was upset that Alexis lied to her, and Alexis blamed Jim’s wishes to stay away from the “catty” women. Peggy also revealed that she felt she and Alexis were parting ways. Alexis had an excuse for this too – she apparently doesn’t have time for a social life. I guess she’s not a socialite after all.

Let the Wine do the Talking

Peggy, Tamra, and Vicki went on a wine tasting excursion to get to know each other better. Perfect timing after a seemingly falling-out with Alexis.

The ladies talked about Alexis and Tamra hit the nail on the head, again, when she said it seemed as though Alexis was in constant competition with Peggy. Whether it’s cars, children, boobs, or husbands, Alexis always seems to try to one-up Peggy when the situation doesn’t even constitute the need to out-do the Jones’.

Later, Peggy mentions Donn and how she enjoyed his company at her dinner party. Vicki, however, clearly did not. She began tear and told the camera that her marriage is falling apart. I guess her “love tank” is back on empty. The saddest part about all of this is that I’d hate to see Donn go. He was really starting to break out of his shell.

Me, Myself, and I

Alexis loves herself. Not only did she design the clothes for Alexis Couture, but her name is in the label, she wants her picture on the tag, and she wants to model the clothes herself. It’s great that Alexis can wear the clothes, but let’s get real, that doesn’t mean we want to see her in them.

Throughout the photoshoot, she did about a thousand different poses, but her face pretty much stayed the same – like she either just faked an orgasm or just realized that today was the second coming of Christ.

PHOTOS Alexis Bellino’s new fashion line “Alexis Couture”
Stay tuned for next week when Simon becomes jail bait!